How to help your child’s negative self-talk [+ 10 ways to encourage positive self-talk]

Following on from my recent blog How to build your child’s self-esteem, I wanted to share how we can support our children, no matter what age they are, when you hear and see them talking negatively about themselves and their abilities.  As a parent or caregiver this can be tough as all we want our children is to be happy and content.  However, we all know that there will be times in their lives when they will struggle, whether that be at school, with their peers, in their activities, with their siblings and home life in general, and as a result it impacts on their thoughts and behaviours.  We are all guilty of negative thinking, it’s part of who we are, however if it begins to consume you or your child, this can lead to increased anxiety and low self-esteem.  It’s how we can pull ourselves or our children away from that way of negative thinking  and encourage positive self-talk that will make all the difference.

The most natural thing in the world when you hear your child using negative self talk when they say to themselves; ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m not able’, ‘I’ll never be good at that’ or ‘I’m stupid’, as a parent your instinct is to correct and encourage to not think or say those things, because it is not true.  However, sometimes it’s not as simple as that.  We go into protective mode and try to change a child's negative self-talk to a positive one.  

In this blog I am  sharing my advice on what you can do to support your children when they are in that negative frame of mind, without feeling the pressure of tackling it all at once to sort it out. I will also give you insight into how the benefits of creating opportunities for change can be just as effective in overcoming this common parenting challenge.

What is self-talk?

To provide some context of what self-talk is, in a recent article from ChildMind.org, Rachel Busman,  a clinical psychologist, explains, “it is our inner monologue.  It can be a way of narrating what is happening around you, practicing language, and guiding yourself through a talk, while self-talk is often constructive, it can also go the other way.  We all engage in self-critical behaviour from time to time, and it isn’t an immediate cause for concern.  But it’s useful to think about why your child might be talking herself down, and when it might reflect a problem.”

Why do children use negative self-talk?

While reasons can vary so much among children, I have shared several ideas to consider;

High Expectations

Often children have high expectations of themselves and feel that it’s an all or nothing situation to achieve or get it right, as we know, for both adults and children, this can be the very reason that trips us up, creates self-doubt and can stop us in our tracks to achieving that goal.  It’s more about what is realistic and achievable.

Self-Limiting Beliefs & Low Self-Esteem 

The more a child tells themselves that they can’t do something, the more they believe it and live it in their daily lives, that is often how the cycle begins.  It’s changing up those self-critical beliefs to affirming positive beliefs that can turn things around for a child, for example; ‘I am doing the best I can’, ‘I am brave and strong’, ‘bullies have no power over me’.   Their inner critic is continually reinforcing all that they cannot do, this can be exhausting and wear them down. 

Read more on How to build your child’s self esteem

Resilience 

Feeling overwhelmed, not being able to manage change, self-doubt, panicking over not achieving or not being able to do something, can have a significant impact on our thoughts, so when a child’s resilience is low and resists change or a challenge at the first hurdle, this will automatically create a barrier. I spoke to Richard Hogan of The Therapy Institute for my expert Q&A series and Richard shared that Resilience is “when your ability to meet the strain and challenges of life exceeds the pressure being placed on you. Resilience is your belief in yourself to manage adversity. When a child feels they do not have the tools to face challenges they lack resilience”

Read more on How to build your child’s resilience with Richard Hogan

Looking for Attention or a Connection  

Children love attention, whether that be through negative behaviours or a positive connection, they learn what they need to do to gain it particularly when they are seeking the parent out to engage through challenging behaviours.  It can be a habit and comes in all forms.  Sometimes children will be critical of themselves out loud so the parent will hear and as a result will gain the connection – but for all the wrong reasons.  This can be a sensitive point for families as they may not see this as a contributing factor.  Every parent knows their own child best so it may be something you had not considered before.

How do I change my child's negative mindset?

10 ways to encourage and teach positive self-talk

1. Listen, Acknowledge & Validate

I talk about this all the time and it doesn’t get old, as it applies to so many aspects of our lives, for adults and children.  If you do hear your child come out with negative self talk, whether it be the first time or frequently, it can be very easy to brush it off and say, ‘don’t be silly, what are you saying that for’ or ‘we’ve spoken about this before, you need to get on with it'.  By creating a space where your child feels safe enough to express themselves knowing you are there to hear what they have to say, the more likely they will come to you more frequently at other times.  When we acknowledge that they are not in a good place, are feeling low, self-aware, doubting themselves, when feeling overwhelmed and this is their way of communicating that, by the parent saying ‘I can see that you are finding your schoolwork a real challenge’ or ‘I totally understand why you are feeling upset’ this acknowledges and validates their feelings and emotions and gives them the permission to feel like that and that these feelings are ok.

2. Offer Unconditional Love & Support 

Life can be busy, if there is a lot going on at home or at work, sometimes we need to give ourselves the opportunity to stop and take stock of what is going on around us including what might be tough going for the kids.  Providing that listening ear with maybe no advice, but space can be enough!  Showing your child that you are on their side, you will help them help themselves, you will be there for them,  you will provide strength for the child, you will provide reassurance, and a trust in their ability to cope when you are not there.

3. Be aware of your own self-talk

Children can be very tuned in to the adult’s energy, emotions, stress levels, what we say and do.  These emotional cues are part of our everyday communications and this being the case we can take advantage of this through leading by positive example.  When our children see how we speak about ourselves and others, it shows self-compassion and kindness, a trait that is invaluable to everyone.

4. It’s ok to have imperfections 

Nobody is good at everything, we all have our certain qualities and skills, we all learn differently and communicate in various ways.  However, adults and children go through periods in their life when challenged, it feels uncomfortable, it’s hard on reflection, you could have dealt with it differently, that’s why, taking it as an opportunity to learn is key and accepting that nothing or no one person is perfect, and this is ok.  Our children will learn this over time but as us adults know – it takes time and experience!  Create opportunities to reword what they are saying, for example ‘writing stories for English is really hard, I’m never going to get it right’ to ‘writing stories can be hard but I’m going to do the best I can as sometimes that is enough.’

5. Value perseverance

Hearing that phrase ‘you can only try your best’ is a well said one.  Sometimes our children only see the end goal, you can see how this can be the case as this is often the thoughts of adults too, however encouraging the baby steps will build on their confidence and self-compassion to keep going.

6. Provide opportunities for healthy control & decision making 

Creating opportunities for our children to do things for themselves will help them see that they are well able to achieve no matter how big or small the task or job is.  Allow them to make choices and daily decisions, this not only provides healthy control but builds on their self-confidence and resilience.  For example, creating daily jobs at home or contributing to the family rules.  

7. Highlight your child’s strengths & values

When in self-doubt we can convince ourselves almost immediately that we can’t do it, it’s ok to resist and that it will make us feel uncomfortable, so when you hear your child believing in these self-doubts and saying them out loud, it’s important that you create the time and space to focus on their strengths without pressure.  What makes them feel good? What makes them happy? What gets them excited? What is important to them?

8. Resist the urge to solve but problem solve together

It’s a parent’s natural response to protect and problem solve, but as we know we are not always going to be there for our children in times of stress, upset or when being challenged.  Be realistic and know that you can guide your children by preparing them as best possible which will naturally influence positive self-talk.

9. problem solve with your child

When we problem solve together it helps a child see that support from an adult can be very beneficial but also, the child has that responsibility to act too, to help themselves feel better.  This can also help reduce worries and anxiety. Some ideas on how to problem solve with your child:

• Encourage your child to write or talk about what it is that they are feeling negative about

• Explore together the possible outcomes including the pros and cons!

• Pick one solution and give it a go

• Once you give this solution time, ask, did it work?

• If not, it’s ok to revert to your list and try another

10. Connect with school 

Sometimes school can see and experience your child in a different light, this could be in the context of friends, work, how they communicate, mix, when they find certain aspects of the school day difficult.  Communicating with school is key, if you are concerned that your child’s confidence has been knocked, when they are talking negatively about themselves at home, check in to see how they are presenting in school and note if there is anything you can do at home that might help.

Other ways to help if your child is self-critical

Distraction & Relaxation Techniques

Practicing relaxation creates the opposite effects to stress, anxiety, and self-criticism, it lowers the heart rate and reduces blood pressure.  Relaxation comes in many forms for all ages.

Books for children 

• Bea’s Ocean Commotion by Claire Keating & Sinéad Dore; a book about friendship & worry

• Bea’s Jungle Rumble by Claire Keating & Sinéad Dore; a book about kindness and dealing with anger(Both books include a pack of mindfulness techniques)

• What’s Going on Inside my Head by Molly Potter

• The Magic Moment by Niall Breslin

• Be Kind by Pat Zietlow Miller

• Where Happiness Begins by Eva Eland

Activities 

Identifying with your child what they enjoy, what they are passionate about, what makes them feel good, whether it is a sport or an independent activity - the important thing is that it makes them feel good which in turn feeds into their self-esteem, reducing the need to be self-critical.  Examples can be, a chosen sport, dancing, arts & crafts, taking part in yoga, building Lego, a challenge obstacle course like Junior Hell & Back in Kilruddery Estate, Bray Co. Wicklow, to name a few.

Affirmations for Teens & Adults 

The book of Healing Affirmations by Abby Wynne

Seek Support 

If you feel at this point that you have done everything you can to support your child but they still may need additional independent help, check out The Irish Association for Play Therapy and Psychotherapy to see if there is a service in your area.

Mental Health Services for Teens

SpunOut.ie is Ireland’s youth information website created by young people, for young people.

Jigsaw.ie offers expert mental health advice and support, online and in person, to young people across Ireland aged 12 to 25 years old.

Finding the ideal way to approach and support a child who is self-critical can at times be stressful and often parents are at a loss of what to do or how to approach it. There is no quick fix however like many aspects of supporting ourselves and the children, it can take time, patience, and perseverance.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help. I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions or corporate parenting talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie, I offer eLearning Parenting Courses on Positive Parenting and Managing Screen Time & Device Use which will help support you in the challenges you may be facing.