PARENTING Q & A | HOW TO HELP CHILDREN MAKE FRIENDS WITH DEBBIE CULLINANE
As a parent I believe that one of the first social aspects for our children that we hope for when introduced to other children outside of their immediate family setting is to ‘make friends’ or make a connection, that they will be included or be part of a friendship. It’s typically from the age of three years that our children begin to play with others as opposed to parallel play and form their first friendships, however, as we know, it may not always be that simple or straightforward to help your child make friends. It’s natural for parents and caregivers to worry if their child is struggling, but how can we make it easier for them and help their social skills without completely stepping in and taking over.
I am so delighted to introduce Debbie Cullinane, mother of two and a qualified play therapist and trainee child and adolescent psychotherapist with the Children’s Therapy Centre. Debbie has over 10 years’ experience teaching in primary schools. She now runs her own private practice; Cullinane Play Therapy in Claremorris, Co. Mayo.
How to help children make friends
Debbie took the time recently to share her own advice and expertise when it comes to how the parent or caregiver can help their child make friends. We spoke about how a parent can tell if their child has trouble making friends and how they can help with their child’s social skills as well as her own top tips on how a parent can teach/support a child to start a conversation and what opportunities a parent can provide to encourage positive social situations.
How can a parent identify whether their child has trouble making friends?
If you are concerned about your child making friends, it is important to check in with the educators/teachers in the preschool/school to see how things are going. Often a child won’t tell you a lot of what is going on at school and teachers will be able to advise if your child is having difficulties in the classroom or the yard. Once this is flagged, the teacher can observe your child more closely and revert to you with any concerns they may have. Try to avoid over questioning your child about friendships and school, as this may heighten their anxieties, if it is something with which they are struggling. Try not to get stressed and stay calm if you feel there is something going on, as feelings are contagious, and a calm, well regulated adult will help to coregulate your child.
Read tips on how to help your child manage big emotions
How can a parent help their child to make friends?
You know your child better than anyone in the world. You know where and when they feel comfortable and safe. Arranging a playdate with a friend, in somewhere your child feels safe, can be really helpful e.g. your home, playground, local play centre he/she enjoys. You can then observe your child and pay attention to how they interact with others. Depending on what you see, you can then decide where to focus your attention, what skills need building and how you can help. Try to plan ahead, start with one friend at a time, keep play dates short, get involved and if it goes well, try to arrange it at the same time each week. If you are in social situations and your child is playing alone or not playing, try to encourage but not force interactive play – children all develop at their own pace. Try to keep language down around these situations and avoid you or others labelling the child as “shy” or making comments about the behaviour, as this can lead to feelings of shame.
Is there a helpful way to guide children in approaching others to play?
As Albert Einstein said, “Play is the highest form of research”.
Practicing some simple social skills can give your child a boost of confidence when approaching social situations. Playing with your child promotes good contact and will help your child form relationships with others. It doesn’t have to be for long – 5/10 minutes at a time. Play is the primary means for communication.
Role play can be really helpful to act out, model language and social behaviours for your child e.g. playing school/pretending you’re going on the yard. You know what your child likes to play, so you can teach and encourage them to play games with you, so they can bring these skills into social situations. Small world play will also work well, and your child may prefer this type of play.
Try not to compare siblings or other children. Each child moves at their own pace and is unique and special and this will guide how much social interaction they seek. Children are often happy and content to engage in solitary play and that is perfectly okay and normal. Books and social stories would be helpful too.
What are your tips on how a parent can teach/support a child to start a conversation?
Children are highly attuned to their parents’ behaviours. They learn by example, so it is important that we model conversations and friendships and that they see us making time for friends in our own lives. When we strike up conversations with friends, neighbours, the person in the shop etc we model conversational skills for our children. Puppet play is a lovely way to practice conversational skills, as it gives the child some dramatic distance. Children can talk to and through a puppet to help with their social skills.
Role playing and practicing conversations is fun – try new accents, practice different greetings e.g., “Hi” “Hello” “How are you?” and practice different types of non-verbal communication like eye-contact, a smile, a wave, a thumbs up etc. Sometimes, no words need to be spoken for a conversation to start. For an older child, you could make conversation cards on topics they might like to talk about with friends, so they have some ideas to draw from.
What kind of opportunities/social situations can a parent provide for their child to engage with others?
Play dates, sports, dance classes, art, etc. There is a wonderful variety of options for activities outside school. Again, you know your child best so choose an activity they like. If you are trying them with something new e.g., football – give them a head start. Go to the pitch where it will be on, prepare them as well as you can in advance, arrive before others on the first day to help against overwhelm. You could write a story together about what the activity will be like. If they know what is going to happen, it can help to alleviate anxieties they may have. If they need you to stay at the activity for a while, assure them that you will and that they are safe. The more times they experience coregulation from you, the better they will be able to self-regulate. Reinforce and praise each small success and with self-esteem building phrases like “Wow, you really tried hard today, even though it was tricky. You were able to stay for 20 minutes and have fun with friends”.
I think it’s important to note that we are living in a pandemic and social situations are more difficult than ever. Life is different now than it ever was before. We, as adults, feel unsafe and are not used to being around others. This is the same for our children, so patience, support, warmth, love and safety is key.
Debbie’s advice is sure to comfort many families who may be currently worried about their child making friends. While we can’t always be there for our children when with their peers, there is still so much we can do to be their support and guidance.
Check out a blog on how to help your child build resilience
MORE INFO ABOUT DEBBIE
Debbie facilitates a range of webinars nationwide for Education Centres. She facilitates her own webinars/courses on her website www.cullinaneplaytherapy.ie. She is Play Therapy Partner with Smyths Toys Superstores and The Baby Room at Smyths and partners with them to develop their Sensory Toy Range this year and creates toy content for their Social Media pages.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help. I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions or corporate parenting talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie, I offer eLearning Parenting Courses on Positive Parenting and Managing Screen Time & Device Use which will help support you in the challenges you may be facing.