PARENTING Q & A | WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD MANAGE SCHOOL STRESS WITH ANN-MARIE IRELAND KIELY
When we think of our children or a child that struggles with stress or anxiety, well, it can be tough for everyone as they have so much more to navigate, whether that be with friendships, their schoolwork, self-esteem, family situations or circumstances and more depending on their age and their stage in school. Often families find it difficult to know what to do or how to approach when it all gets too much and how to handle school stress, which can impact the child, socially and emotionally in school and their behaviours.
It was such an honour to speak with Ann-Marie Ireland Kiely recently, Ann-Marie who is a former teacher, has worked in education for over 20 years. She implemented mindful and well-being practices into her own classroom for many years, along with creating and facilitating a well-being programme within her own school. She has been training teachers in well-being for children and the classroom for almost 11 years. She is a well-known author, speaker and course creator in this area. She is currently a full-time PhD scholar in the DCU Institute of Education.
Ways to help your child handle school stress
When I asked Ann-Marie about what parents and caregivers can do to help a child with stress and anxiety, she had so much to share from the signs your child is stressed, how you know if they are stressed and how to help them handle school stress and what kind of a negative impact it can have on the student.
What are the signs of stress in a child?
Stress may manifest itself in many ways in a child. Most of the time, we will recognise it as a disruption to regular behaviour. For example, it could be an ongoing complaint of a pain in the tummy or being slow to eat his/her food, seeming quieter than usual or it could be obvious anxiety such as repeated nightmares, crying for no apparent reason, appearing panicked/having panic attacks or even demonstrating disruptive behaviour (and this can be in class or at home).
How do you know if your child is stressed?
You know your child best so anything (as above) that is outside of their regular behaviour, could be an indication that they are stressed or worried. This could be about something in particular (such as an occurrence or situation at school), or it could be a general anxiety such as fears around grandparents/parents/pets passing away (even if no one is ill) or fears around the world in general such as climate change or animals becoming extinct. Some children worry a lot about global or even existential issues as they may be concerned about what happens when we die or what the meaning of life is even from a young age.
How can I help my child with stress at school?
The best way to help your child with stress at school is:
Talk to your child about what is happening for them. They may not wish to talk about it straight away but just simply tell them that whenever they are ready to chat, you will make time to listen.
There is an understandable innate drive to push until you find out the reason behind the stress (as you will want to fix it for them) but try as best you can to just ask if everything is ok and to say things such as ‘I am here if you need to chat about it’ or ‘I can see that you are a little off so whenever you need me, I am here and if I am busy, we will set aside time to talk.’
Sometimes it’s difficult for a child to verbalise a worry (if you can imagine how difficult it is for us as adults to do it, it is even more difficult for a child!) so a ‘Thoughts and Feelings Box’ can really help here (see below in strategies/approaches).
If you feel that none of the above are working and that the stress is continuing on, flag it with his/her teacher as soon as you can. Give them a call or arrange to meet with them as they may be able to fill you in on a situation that your child didn’t feel comfortable discussing and the communication between teacher and parent in this situation is absolutely vital.
What are healthy stress management strategies/approaches?
Stress management is like anything else in life; if we want to see results, practices need to be used regularly and as part of everyday family life. So for example:
At the dinner table, have a ‘no technology’ rule so that this space is for discussing the day’s events or just general chat. This may take time to implement but it is worth persevering with it as over time, your child/children will feel valued by you and will know that this is a safe space where all of the family are heard. This can be hugely helpful for a child with anxiety. The key here is not to push but to simply provide the space for conversation to occur naturally.
Create a ‘Thoughts and Feelings’ box for your child. This can be an old gift box or a shoebox decorated as they wish. Ensure there are always pencils/coloured pencils available with it and invite them to write down their worries/anxieties or thoughts and pop them inside. It is so important that you make a promise to your child not to read what is inside; it is only permitted if your child wishes for you to read it. Some parents like to have a second box with a label that states ‘Mum/Dad or both can read this’ which means that anything in that box is something your child would like you to know. Often it’s easier to write than to verbalise. If you have a very young child, then they could draw their worries using the same approach.
Create a ‘Calm Space’ in the child’s bedroom. This can just be a blanket and a cushion or it could be decorated further; whichever way it is done, best practice is for your child to be involved in it’s creation so that he/she can take ownership of it. This is a special space where your child can come away to for some rest and to sit and breathe, to write their worries down or to listen to some children’s meditations.
Create a ‘Gratitude Jar’ where your child (and you!) can write down things that you enjoyed that day or that you are grateful for. This could be kept in a family space if possible and the most important part of this is that you as the parent engage in this with your child and have a chat about what you are happy about. This can not only strengthen connections with your child but can also ease stress hugely for them knowing that mum/dad or both are doing this too.
Tell your child it’s ok to feel stressed; that is a normal part of being human but that feeling stressed every day about things is a little bit of a worry so you are going to help them with these feelings (with the above practices).
Never ever underestimate the power of a hug, telling them you love them and that who they are is perfectly ok; that you will discover and explore together his/her own unique personality and celebrate it, no matter how different they are.
Does stress have a negative impact for students?
Yes, stress can have a negative impact on the student as he/she will struggle to stay present which means their focus and concentration will be off kilter a lot of the time. Because of the impact of the stress response physiologically in the brain where adrenaline and other stress hormones are being pumped into the bloodstream the more stressed they become, then this can have an impact on their work rate, ability to pay attention, their behaviour in class or on yard, their appetite, their mood and even physically over time they could develop stomach ache, headaches or other ailments as a result of long-term stress.
*Please note: If these suggested approaches/practices are not working and your child is becoming more anxious or stressed, it is vital that you speak to their teacher, principal (if necessary) and then to a professional such as your GP or a child psychologist/psychotherapist. Some children are more sensitive in life than others. This doesn’t mean they are weak; it just means that they may see life differently and may have a special gift or talent for helping others so it is vital that they are supported and understood in this.
To read more on child anxiety, self-esteem, managing self-talk, refusing to go to school and managing school transitions – click on the links for extra support and resources from www.parentsupport.ie
More info about Ann-Marie
Ann-Marie Ireland holds an honours Postgraduate Diploma in Education and an honours degree in Humanities (Psychology, Philosophy & Sociology), along with a Certificate in the Professional Therapeutic Use of Mindfulness. She is also a qualified Relax Kids trainer. Ann-Marie is a well-known author, speaker and course creator in this area. She is currently a full-time PhD scholar in the DCU Institute of Education.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help. I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions or corporate parenting talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie, I offer eLearning Parenting Courses on Positive Parenting and Managing Screen Time & Device Use which will help support you in the challenges you may be facing.