Supporting Children Through Parental Separation
When couples meet and build a life together, the ideal is that it is for a lifetime, however for many and for lots of reasons, it doesn’t always work out like that. Circumstances can be complex and vary for each individual couple. Starting a family together is a big decision so when a couple decide to go their separate ways it can be extremely difficult for both the adults and children involved.
“The rates of separation and divorce in Ireland are rising, with the most recent Central Statistics Office figures showing that there are over 87,704 separated or divorced persons living in households with children”
Families are not only dealing with and adapting to the physical changes of a separation but the emotions that go with it, for so many it can bring up feelings of grief, loss, anger, devastation as they adapt to these significant changes in their lives.
“Separation changes the family structure and often results in the loss of daily presence and availability of one parent. For some children, this may mean dramatic family changes, a new school or loss of friendships. With support before, during and after separation, children can adjust successfully and thrive”
Parents and caregivers worry what impact a separation will have on the children, how will they cope? The adults involved want to do what they can to protect their children and loved ones, to make sure they are comforted and supported in the best possible way.
Considering all of this; there are a few things that we can do to start that process not only for the children but for the parent, caregiver and adults involved too.
Help your child understand what separation means
No matter how many children are in the family, remember every child is different. If their ages vary they are more likely to be at various stages of development and therefore their understanding, reactions and ability to manage their emotions will be different.
Ideally, if both parents can sit with the children together to explain the better, this encourages transparency and consistency from the start. If communication is clearly difficult between the parents, mediation is possibly an option you may find helpful.
Try and keep the initial explanations as simple, straightforward and honest as possible.
Keep this explanation clear, age-appropriate and deliver in a child friendly way.
Reassure your child that they are not the cause of the separation. Remind them of this as children can blame themselves.
They don’t need to know all the details but by using simple language, reassure your child that although you will no longer be living together as a family, you will always be their parent who loves them very much, you will protect them as you always have and provide for them what they need and that everything will be ok again, but like many things it will take time.
Acknowledge and talk about feelings
Allow your child the space and time to talk if it’s what they want, big changes can affect their behaviour in many ways, for example, regressing in toileting, eating, sleeping patterns, becoming clingy or acting out.
As we all know talking things through can be of great benefit and relief, reassuring that what they are feeling is normal and ok. But as you know, not all children are able to express themselves like their siblings or other children.
Listen to what they are sharing with you, acknowledge and name their feelings, some children find the big emotions overwhelming so for an adult to name them can help the child understand and process them more easily.
Reassure your child that you and the other adults in their life will be there for them if they need you or anyone else.
Check out a recent blog: How to help children to manage big emotions.
Don’t be afraid of the tricky questions
Like adults, children like to make sense of significant changes whether that is a separation, bereavement or a house move!
Children will naturally ask questions; they are usually straight and to the point! Often adults will avoid the chats if they don’t know what to say, if this happens, it’s ok to share that you’re not sure of the answer, just let your child know you have heard them, and you will have a think and let them know as best you can.
Children pick up on when an adult is not too sure about things, they also sense emotions and energy from the adult, keep the channels open, this will naturally encourage their own feelings of reassurance for what is already a hard situation.
How you can support your child through a separation and beyond
Keep routines as normal as possible
There is no doubt children thrive on routine, creating predictability, consistency and security. When adults go through such big life changes it can be hard to stay upright, however children are resilient and love all things familiar. Although you may see the effects of these changes on them – big or small, they need to know their lives will stay at a similar pace with the day-to-day routines and activities remaining the same where possible.
When big things happen that are out of their control they look for it in other ways like seeking out negative attention or refusing to follow directions or listen. Allow them to be part of making decisions too, for example, making a dinner plan together or picking activities to do, handing over some choices gives children a chance to have that ‘healthy’ control.
2. Parenting together while separated
Dealing with a separation is one thing, parenting together when no longer a couple is another. It is important to put the emotions aside as hard as that might be and make a ‘parenting plan’ so you can encourage open and effective communication with your ex-partner. However, it can be extremely challenging for separated parents to communicate, if this is the case for you, a mediation service may help – details at the end of this blog.
Avoid discussing difficult conversations in front of the children; arrange times when you can sort out the practical elements, this will allow time with the children run more smoothly. Don’t hesitate to seek professional advice and support if needed. There are many Irish supports available – see the list at the end of this blog.
3. Keep communication open with your child’s school or childcare service
It’s always helpful to keep those who care for your child during the day informed of any significant changes that have occurred for them, whether that be crèche, preschool, or school. Although this is your decision, take the time to figure out what you feel comfortable sharing. This will allow childcare staff; minders or teachers support your child if they need it and feedback anything you may find helpful.
4. Be aware of your children’s rights
According to Barnardos “Like all human beings, children have rights in order to protect them, promote their well-being and provide them with the things they need in order to grow and develop their potential”. The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that children have a right to express an opinion and to be consulted on matters affecting them according to their age and maturity. During separation or divorce this means:
Ways you can put your child’s well-being and best interests first is by talking and actively listening to your child, to understand his or her feelings and wishes and keeping them informed of family changes brought about by separation.
5. Resources for Parents & Children
It’s important that the adults affected seek support too, some may find it a comfort to talk to their family and friends, others may need counselling or a group. It’s reassuring to know that there is so much help, support and guidance available now, regardless of the stage you and your family may be at, you will find a service or book that will fit your needs.
Barnardo’s Ireland has three excellent booklets that are free and available on their website – Coping with separation for parents, Coping with separation for children and Helping teenagers cope with separation.
Rainbows Ireland provide support groups for children who have experienced a loss and are grieving a death or a separation of a family.
One Family Ireland is a fantastic support to separating couples, services including counselling helpline for parents and young people, as well as courses for separating couples.
The Legal Aid Board is a family mediation service aimed to help married and non-married couples who have decided to separate or divorce, or who have already separated.
6. Books to help Adults & Children with Separation
Parenting when separated – helping your children cope & thrive by John Sharry
It happened to me – mum and dad split up by Elizabeth O’ Loughlin
My Family’s Changing by Pat Thomas
Two homes by Claire Masurel
Living with mum and living with dad by Melanie Walsh
7. Apps
If you are a single parent @frolo_app is a great way to meet others who are in similar situations to your own.
8. Co-parenting
Keep your personal relationship separate from your parenting relationship. I know this is easier said than done but try to look at this new way of thinking so you can put the children’s interests first as a priority. You want your children to know that no matter what happened between you as adults, they are the ones who are important now. When you adapt to this approach children will feel more secure, if you decide on similar rules and boundaries this creates consistency, they know what to expect and when.
Set aside your anger and upset, avoid sharing with your child how upset the other parent has made you feel, seek out your own professional or family support. Avoid speaking about the other parent in a negative way or making them feel like they have to choose between you. When both parents show emotional support for the children this allows them to adjust that little bit easier into their new living situations, boosting their self-esteem too.
Choosing to communicate effectively – the more consistent and practical you are when communicating the more successful co-parenting will be, this may feel almost impossible, particularly if there is a strain between you both or you are easily triggered by each other’s behaviours. However for you to create some kind of practical approach with a purpose, deciding each time what needs to happen will make things a lot easier, for example, taking the emotion out it and approaching making an arrangement in a practical almost business like way, keep calm (I know this can be really hard), neutral and matter of fact. Use suggestive questions as opposed to making a statement, for example ‘are you willing to try it this way?’. Actively listening, although sometimes we perceive listening as handing over control or portraying acceptance – it is giving the other person time to talk and acknowledging that you have heard what they want to say.
Co-parenting together – this is all about respecting one another’s relationships with each of your children. The more amicable and open we are the easier it is for the general day to day situations to fall into place. Show each other that you are willing to do what’s best for the children by deciding on similar expectations when they are with you, obviously there will be differences in approaches that may lead to conflict, and although flexibility and change is a good thing for children they do need consistency, for example, ideally following similar routines like bedtime, eating meals, managing certain behaviours, screen time use etc. If you are choosing to be polar opposites, this will very much confuse the children and undermine the other parent – where you are only encouraging a ‘good cop, bad cop’ situation.
Making visits between parents easier – this can often be a very difficult time for children as they separate from one to join the other and vice versa, it can be very emotional and unsettling no matter how many times they experience it. A couple of things that may help you all is firstly prepare the children in advance so they know when they are leaving , a day or two is fine. Be positive, be on time, help pack their bag, if they are anxious at all, encourage them to bring something familiar that they can ‘mind’ for you to give back when they return. When they do come back, tune in to where they might be at, allow them space, it can take a little while for them to adjust back, offer comfort or time to talk if they want it. Avoid lots of questions. If you do have a little routine when they come back this can be like a positive ritual that becomes a good thing to mark the end of time with one parent and the beginning with the other.
It’s important to acknowledge that children can really benefit if they know that they can talk to any parent or caregiver about their worries and concerns. If parents and the caring adults in their life reassure them that they are there to listen and provide that support it will help considerably.
Parenting at the best of times can be hard and a challenge, so when there is upheaval and emotional upset and devastation for a family unit, this without doubt is extremely tough. Remember though, there are supports out there, it’s focusing on what is in the best interests of both the adults and children involved.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help, I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions and Corporate Parenting Talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie or if you are interested in creating a happier and calmer home, I offer a Positive Parenting eLearning Course.