PARENTING Q & A | HOW TO OVERCOME GAMING CHALLENGES WITH RICHARD HOGAN
Following on from a very successful collaboration on the recent Parenting Q & A on Building Resilience with Family Psychotherapist and author of the best-selling book ‘Parenting the Screenager’, Richard Hogan is back this time to answer some of the most common questions parents and caregivers have about the dangers and consequences of Gaming.
The summer holidays have officially kicked off, while we’re all hoping for a bit of a break, with that comes keeping the kids somewhat busy and entertained. The older our children are, the tricker it can be. For many that may mean summer camps, keeping up a limited amount of extra-curricular sports and hobbies if still open over the summer months, but there is also the inevitable use of screens and device use – and gaming being the obvious one!
Gaming comes with such mixed opinions, it’s an activity our pre-teens and teenagers want to be part of, parental concern is a big element to this and how we can support our children can have a significant impact.
Check out the NEW eLearning Course: Managing Family Screen Time & Device Use
Gaming Challenges with Children & How to Cope
During this Q&A we addressed
“I think parents should be vigilant more than worried. Worry doesn’t solve anything; in fact, it will probably make you act in a very counter-productive manner. So, vigilance is what is needed.”
Is there such a thing as too much gaming?What are the dangers of online gaming?
When should a parent be worried?
How can gaming affect a child/teens mental health?
How can I help my child stay safe while gaming?
Gaming for pre-teens and teenagers is a reality, is there such a thing as too much gaming or does it depend on the coping skills for the child/teen?
Yes, your child can certainly be gaming too much. In 2018 the WHO (World Health Organisation) classified gaming as a new mental health condition. The American Psychiatric Association recently stated that gaming, in the extreme, prompts neurological responses such as reward and pleasure. This basically means that over – gaming or gaming too much can certainly be addictive. That is not to say that every child who games will be addicted to that game but excessive gaming is something parents should be very concerned about. Not every child will struggle with gaming, but these games are designed to be immersive. These multiplayer games, which are very quick and competitive, are designed to bring your child into the word of the game. Most of them are free and yet they make billions of profit every year. This should warn all parents that their children are being targeted in a very real and direct way to excessively play these games. There is huge money to be made and your child needs to be protected from this world by sensible parenting. Gaming is a modern phenomenon and children socialise through their games. But we should never out-source our parenting to the game or shy away from the games because we feel we don’t understand them. Technology is here to stay but we must protect our children with sensible policies in the family that allow our children to game and to live a healthy active life.
What are the dangers of online gaming?
It is really important that parents have a sensible and reasonable approach to this modern issue. As I have said, technology is here to stay. And it connected our children while they were social distancing due to lockdown. However, there are some very serious dangers that parents should be aware of in relation to these games. First of all, you should always know who is in your child’s group of players. Don’t allow yourself to be placed outside your child’s network of online gamers. Find out who they are. This is obviously a serious safety issue. We have far too many terrible narratives of children meeting online friends who turn out to be something very different in real life. So, we must make sure our children’s friends online are who they say they are. Research shows that when a child feels they are being monitored they are less likely to get involved in risky behaviour. A child can also become isolated from their real friends and this can disrupt their mental health. As we have seen from the global pandemic, social isolation is not good for any of us but in particular teenagers, and especially teenage boys. So gaming can make your child live a more inert existence and remove them from their once loved activities. This is something parents should be vigilant about.
When should a parent be worried?
I think parents should be vigilant more than worried. Worry doesn’t solve anything, in fact it will probably make you act in a very counter-productive manner. So, vigilance is what is needed. Most children who game enjoy it socially and can live without it. However, there are an increasing amount of children finding gaming difficult to manage themselves and they need help. Boundaries are what help children to regulate themselves. Starting early on, boundaries will help your child be able to manage all that comes into their world as they develop. So, I would tell parents, don’t be worried just observe your child and look to see how they are gaming. Bring in a sensible policy and boundary for games and expect your child to break them. A healthy boundary allows for your child to make mistakes, there should be consequences for those mistakes but they shouldn’t be absolutes or they shouldn’t annihilate the child for pushing the boundary. But they should see that there is a consequence to their behaviour. That’s how they learn.
How can gaming affect a child/teens mental health?
Gaming can really impact your child’s mental health. There will be many parents reading this who have worried about their child’s behaviour while they game. They will have noticed their child transforms into someone else, they become more aggressive, use terrible expletives, they don’t eat as much, they forget to wash, they don’t sleep, they are irritable if you disturb their game etc. the list could go on and on. And I’m sure many parents reading this are nodding their heads thinking, ‘that’s my John’. We know these games can have a deleterious impact on children’s mental health. They impact their physical activities, take them away from friend groups, and isolate them. So, we must protect them and make sure they have a healthy relationship with the games.
How can I help my child stay safe while gaming?
Just remember, it’s not about getting rid of the games but rather allowing our children to flourish while they game. There are many parental controls available to parents. I would look at the different options available to you and speak to the parents of your child’s friends. See what they are doing. The more united parents are, the more power you have over the games. And when your child knows you are united with other parents they will be less likely to push the boundaries. Having a healthy boundary for gaming is the first important step. Bring your child into this discussion and let them feel like they are involved in this boundary. Negotiate with them, this will get ‘buy-in’ from your child. The more involved they are in this process the more likely the boundary will hold. Also speak to your child about strangers looking to contact them and enter their friend group. Make sure you are a safe space to come to about things online. If your first reaction is to get rid of the games the moment they encounter a difficulty they will not come to you for help. Be a safe space for your child to come to. When you overreact, this will not protect them but rather put them in harm’s way.
Whether we like it or not, gaming is here to stay along with all the other devices we and our children engage with. Being a parent of a pre-teen, I know how tricky it can be to navigate the boundaries we instil around screen time and device use, but it is so important to invest in that relationship with technology as best we can. There are so many families that are in the same boat, establish what works for yours and reach out for support if needed!
Check out the NEW eLearning Course: Managing Family Screen Time & Device Use
More info about Richard
Richard Hogan is a systemically trained Family Psychotherapist registered with The Family Therapy Association of Ireland. He writes every Thursday for the Irish Examiner. His column ‘Learning Points’ explores mental health issues for teenagers, couples and families. He is the author of the best-selling book ‘Parenting the Screenager’. This book is a practical and accessible guide for parents of the modern child. The book received critical acclaim from The Irish Times as a ‘must buy for any parent of a teenager’. He is the clinical director of the award-winning psychotherapy and counselling service Therapy Institute. Trinity College Dublin invited Richard, in 2017, to undertake a PhD with the university to explore how his paper, ‘systemic practices in education’ could be introduced into the Irish educational system. Oxford University invites Richard as a keynote speaker at its annual educational symposium. Richard was awarded a Fulbright scholarship for his work in 2020 and will be travelling to America in 2021 to carry out research on how to better promote inclusion in Irish and American Schools. Richard is an expert contributor on Virgin media’s most successful launch of an original programme, ‘Eating with The Enemy’. He is also a regular contributor on shows such as The Hard Shoulder with Ivan Yates Newstalk, The Today Show RTÉ, Ireland AM Virgin Media where he offers his expertise and progressive strategies for parents and children navigating the modern family.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help, I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions or corporate parenting talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie or if you are interested in creating a happier and calmer home I offer a Video Based Positive Parenting eLearning Course