How to cope with Parental Preference when your child only wants one parent
Parental preference is a lot more common than you think, when a child is looking for one parent over the other to do everything for them, whether that be looking for comfort, changing nappies, putting them into the car seat, getting dressed, being put to bed, reading stories, giving baths, or holding hands, it can be both exhausting on the preferred parent and tough on the rejected parent not to take it personally.
No matter how much we unconditionally love our children, and they love us, it’s one element of the parent/child relationship we least expect to happen and when it does, it can very much pull at the heartstrings, feel frustrating and you can be at a loss of how to manage and approach it. It can also be exhausting for the parent that is required – all the time! It’s a topic that I get asked about a lot, it’s also a part of parenting that couples don’t necessarily talk about either, it can be embarrassing, upsetting, lonely or frustrating for all involved!
Do any of your children prefer one parent over the other to do things for them?
Does this mean the parent being pushed away is less loved? Absolutely not, however it’s not something that can change overnight, it takes time, understanding, acceptance, perseverance, and determination to build and maintain the parent/child relationship.
So if you are unsure of what is the right way to deal with it when it comes down to managing and supporting simple daily tasks, keep reading.
3 practical steps for overcoming parental preference
So, what’s it all about?
Gaining an understanding of your child’s needs & developmental stages can be a big starting point.
Be open to understanding that preference for one parent is quite common for children as they are learning to make their own decisions and it’s part of their emotional and cognitive development. Children love attention, particularly from their parent or primary caregiver and every child at some time or another will play their parents one off the other or seek to be closer to one parent rather than the other.
Traditionally, it was believed that babies formed exclusive attachments to their mothers. However the understanding of the family unit has evolved. Parental roles are no longer determined by gender or biology. There are multiple relationships that can exist for a child where they can form attachments with; mothers, fathers, step parents, guardians, grandparents, aunties, uncles, childminders and even siblings, depending on who cares for them on a daily basis.
There is often an order of carers where the attachment stays strong, meaning that the child will look for the comfort of their primary carer initially and the others when he or she is not available.
Check out my recent blog which gives tips on how to deal with Separation Anxiety.
Establishing Parental Roles & Common Scenarios
Sometimes children may prefer one parent over the other because parents play different roles, not deliberately but more so because they have evolved like this, here are examples of common scenarios.
Work dynamic
It can often be the case that one parent/carer is at home, with the child during most days while the other parent works, having only that time with the child in the mornings and evenings and making up at the weekends (regardless of whether the parent is working from home)
Parenting style
It’s our parenting styles that overpower the relationships with our children, if you are very soft and lenient and the other parent is strict – often the child will gravitate towards the softer parent (it doesn’t mean that this is right – as remember, children need boundaries too and they are just as important as the love and attention we give our children)
Avoiding the upset
If a child persists at wanting that one parent, it is often easier for that preferred parent to give in and go with it because it halts the upset until the next time.
Feelings of rejection
It’s easier for the parent or carer that is pushed away – to bow out and do what the child wants because it’s too hard to keep persisting. They are feeling hurt so why keep going back to be pushed away?
Reflect on roles and cause of preference
Reflecting on what your role is as a parent or carer with your child and how you can make them more comfortable with you can be a helpful exercise. Typically, Dads play a lot of rough and tumble play, maybe one parent is more expressive during story times, maybe one parent is more creative with playing games, maybe one parent allows more sweet treats, maybe one parent will happily allow the child help doing jobs. Identify what your roles are and try again.
Create a connection
It’s hard not to focus on which parent your child prefers but going forward I would like you to now look at how you can be present and consistent, identify ways to connect with your child and look at ways you can work together at a family.
Check out my recent blog on How to Support your Child’s Behaviours & Ways to Adapt your Parenting Style.
Dealing with the emotions and behaviours of rejection of Parental Preference & how to encourage involvement with the rejected Parent
Tuning in to changing things up
As parents we can become complacent, we put up with various scenarios and behaviours because for the short term it’s easier like I mentioned above, however, how realistic is it in the long term? The more demands that are put on one adult to do everything because that’s what the child wants the more worn out both physically and mentally it can be, versus, the more a parent is pushed away the more likely they give in.
For example clinginess to one adult can be both a temporary and long-term issue, for some it can fade as the child develops emotionally, gains more social skills, and gets used to the routines of when they have their parent’s attention and when they must share. Often, parents on both sides of the coin become frustrated and or resentful and if your child picks up on this it can make them cling furthermore.
As a parent, the more tuned in and aware you are about your own levels of stress and frustration the more likely you can see and feel the need to change in both parent’s approach and sometimes attitude. Whether we like it or not, it can be convenient too, some parents feel that it’s the equality of both the domestic and parenting tasks that stand in the way.
10 ways to encourage involvement with the rejected Parent
Encourage positive interactions between the parents
If you are the parent your child prefers, help the other parent by talking positively about them. Your child may take the lead from you and warm up to the other parent when they hear all the positive things the other parent likes to do, is good at etc!
2. Spend positive time together as a family
To support your child, build a positive relationship with you both and open the opportunity to share hands-on practical/day to day activities.
Do things together as a family, whether that be jobs around the house, walks together, watch a movie, play etc. This tends to be a more natural way to interact – it’s not going straight into doing bedtimes, helping them get dressed etc.
Share with your child how you can support one another in ways that are natural and genuine.
If you are together, let them see you show affection towards one another.
If you are not in one household or co-parenting, show them you have a positive relationship.
3. Encourage both parents to share day to day tasks
This is often when we find ourselves getting caught up in ‘getting on with it’ for example, always the one parent putting the child to bed, or giving baths or changing nappies or discipling, this is often when we ‘go with it’ because it is easier. Sometimes it’s the preferred parent that likes to take the lead because they know what the child likes. It’s then that everyone involved, child included gets used to doing things in the same way. If this is the case, the parent that is being left out could take more of an active role.
For it to be effective – it’s making sure that the other parent is prepared to go with changing things up and persevering.
For example, to start off with, avoid the tasks that are particularly pressurised or heavily relied on, like bedtime, getting dressed, changing nappies.
First let the parent who is not around all the time during the day take responsibility for bath time, reading a story, helping do jobs around the house together, spending one to one time together.
Some parents may say ‘well the child just won’t do it for mum or dad’ – if we stop at this point every time we will never manage to change things up.
4. Introduce something new with your child
If you are the parent that your child resists, introducing something new with them can be a big deal and an experience they don’t associate with the other parent, this could be learning a new game, going to a new place for a walk, planting flowers in the garden, pottering about doing jobs together. This is a great opportunity to chat and experience positive interactions rather than jumping in at the deep end, like taking over bedtimes which can be a pressurised tasks where they may currently rely on one particular parent.
5. Allow them to be part of your day-to-day jobs
No matter what age your child is, take them with you when you do things. Give them the opportunity to help! Kids love learning and exploring, sometimes as adults we avoid it because it’s too much hassle, it doesn’t suit, or we just won’t get the job done. But consider the nature of it and if you can take your child along the next time. Building relationships with our children isn’t just about playing together, it’s just as much about doing the ‘normal things’ too.
6. Include the other parent in the routine
Another way to change things up a little is to encourage both parents to be part of the bigger tasks like bedtime, bath time, getting dressed, so one parent leads it and the other shadows. I know how busy life is and we are not always going to have time to pair up but, something must change and this is another way of getting the ball rolling! If the child is initially clingy to you when the other parent tries to do these things, you might first do them together and then step back and let them get on with it.
7. Ripping the plaster off!
This no messing approach can be effective if you are willing, the best way to consider this, is for you to go out and to let the other parent take over all the parenting for a period! This one line may make you gasp at the idea! But if you don’t try it – how will you know? For example, you might go out for a walk for a half hour before bedtime. This might not only help break the pattern of clinginess, but it also gives you a break as well as building on the child’s relationship with the other parent and their confidence as a parent.
8. Distract when they get upset
For many families they keep going based on what works regardless of how exhausting or frustrating it might feel and accept that it is what it is. But if you are maintaining this and the resentment is building – look and consider other effective strategies when the child gets upset.
The key is to remain as calm and positive as you can. You might need to take time to soothe and reassure the child as well as positively distract them. If you panic, they will too!
This does not mean that you must “give in” to them when they are upset. For example, even if the child gets really upset, stay for a short time as possible, the longer you leave it the harder it can become – “Tell your child that mum/dad is going out to do one job but will be back in 10 minutes” – and leave it to mum/dad to distract and soothe the child. (remember the parent that is being pushed away needs the opportunities to try – if the other parent takes over, you will continue to go around in circles)
Once the child sees you remain calm and warm, yet firm about the rules you need to set, their behaviour should settle and the frequency of disputing the change in parent will become less.
9. Be patient
I know from personal experience how hard this situation can be, without going into too much personal details, we had to work extremely hard to get the relationship to where it is now, we know as a family, it took a lot of time and patience. If we try one or two things and they don’t work, it is tempting to forget about it and revert to the way it was. It’s not just about building relationships but it’s also building the confidence and empowering the parent that is being pushed away too.
10. Feel the feels, talk to the other parent & know it is not going to be forever
Life is busy, our children’s needs can often take over our own. It can really hurt if your child does not want you, it can also be extremely exhausting for the parent whom the child clings to all the time – if either parent is feeling this – name it, talk about it and look at how you can work together to change it up. Be involved in some way, start with reading a story at bedtime or giving a bath – putting the work in will pay off sooner rather than later!
Dealing with all of what I have written about in this blog will be a different experience for every family, there is always a mix of dynamics involved which include different parenting styles, the current behaviours of the children within the family, the expectations we have on ourselves as parents as well as the family expectations we hold for our children. No one family is the same, there is no one solution, no one magic answer but there is always opportunity for change.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help, I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie or if you are interested in creating a happier and calmer home, I offer a Positive Parenting eLearning Course.