How to cope with Bedtime Challenges
Whether you are a first-time parent or have a family of kids ranging in ages, along with feeding and making sure your children are healthy and happy, sleep challenges are one of the most commonly discussed topics. Every parent or caregiver including myself has been through sleepless nights, exhausting middle of the night waking, early rising and a lot more! Some families just go with it and feel that it’ll work itself out and then others want to get to the bottom of it – the most important thing to do is, do what feels right for your family unit. There is no one straightforward answer as every child, situation and parental approach varies; and what may work for one family may not work for the next.
However, it is great to know that you can instil a variety of positive sleep habits no matter what age your child is, it is never too late! Once you find what works, it can make evening times easier and longer for the adults. As we know, when there are bedtime antics, as the parent or caregiver it makes evenings to ourselves few and far between.
The first area that I address with families that are experiencing sleep challenges is to assess their routines, agree boundaries and make a plan for bedtime that will help encourage positive sleep habits.
Setting Routines, Boundaries & Bedtimes
A lot of my clients who contact me for support, are experiencing not only issues with behaviours during the day but at bedtime and often during the night too, this is so common, but often we don’t see or realise that instilling boundaries are just as important at bedtime and the middle of the night as they are during the day, one naturally affects the other.
For the child: it’s learned behaviours, habit, delay tactics, anxiousness, separation anxiety overtiredness or lack of routine.
For the Parent: It’s stress, exhaustion, feeling out of control but not knowing what to do, and a lot of frustration.
Bedtimes often will escalate leading to over tiredness, messing and full-on meltdowns! Whether you have always had challenges around bedtime/sleep, or it’s developed in the last year with Covid-19 or in recent weeks/months, habits can form very quickly, children take our lead and they will push the boundaries, because they know they can and feel safe to do so.
I regularly talk and write about providing routine and creating realistic expectations in the form of boundaries and family rules. Children need to have some sense of structure to know what to expect, they may never ask you for any of this but as the parent or caregiver it’s the basics that often holds it all together, they are essential and needed for us to provide. The consistency and predictability create security, trust, and a feel-good factor for our kids.
See my previous blog Supporting our Children’s Behaviours where I provide lots of support and advice on managing behaviours, I also talk a lot about boundaries in my online parenting course.
What is the routine like?
Do you and the other adults have a clear picture of what the expectations and agreements are around the daily bedtime routine? If the adults don’t have clarity the child won’t either.
For example have you and your child discussed and practised the stages of the routine? When is the last snack and TV time of the evening? What is the starting time for bed? Where does the getting ready happen? How many stories? Do you have some one-to-one time? When is lights out time? When is it no longer ok to keep chatting? These elements all fit into a routine – repetition and giving out the same message binds it altogether.
All the above will be different for every family but it’s important to identify what you need to change things up, for example, if it is taking a long time for your child to settle, if they are dependent on you for then to fall asleep, if there are night awakenings, early rising etc. Setting expectations with your child around the bedtime routine is a great starting point , it’s then planning what that will look like and how you are going to do it.
Common Bedtime Challenges that Parents face & steps to overcome them
Challenge 1:
Delay Tactics & Meltdowns at Bedtime
Delaying at bedtime happens in every household, no matter what age our children are, they come in all shapes and sizes, whether it is looking for snacks, 5 more stories, requesting drinks, the chats and more, whether you want to at this point of our day or not – you NEED to be fair but firm with your children. When bedtimes become a problem we often overthink it, we feel that there is more to it, and there may be, but what I often suggest to parents is looking at the bigger picture. While it’s important to consider all aspects of what goes on during the day and night, check out my tips below;
Top 10 tips when bedtime becomes an ongoing battle ground
Start bedtime early: A child under 6 ideally needs to be asleep by 8pm to avoid overtiredness.
Bedtime Routine: Have a clear bedtime routine, creating positive routine creates positive sleep cues for sleep which are helpful for the child.
One to one time to avoid delay tactics: Children can struggle with separation hence the delay tactics – include 20 minutes one to one time in your routine, this fills their cup up with attention.
Chat about the plan: Chat about the plan for bedtime during the day (not as you are heading up the stairs!) Children like to know a plan; they may not ask for a plan but setting expectations is key.
Acknowledge the feelings: Acknowledge that they may find it tough, but you want to help.
Incentivise: Incentivise by offering a small token the following morning if they stay in their bed – this will depend on what is a preference for a household.
Keep cool: If behaviours start to unravel it’s important that you stay calm (this can be hard, but our kids need us to be in calm and in control
Avoid explanations: Do not feed into the behaviours. Avoid getting into any explanations, ‘it is bedtime, it is time to go to sleep’.
Provide space & comfort: Give space if the tantrum ensues, provide comfort if the child seeks it but don’t feed into it.
Stay consistent: Stay calm, repeat the message, avoid overtiredness.
Remember:
Situations will vary between one family and the next, these are only general guidelines.
Take one thing this week and try it!
Stay consistent and follow through, children thrive on this approach even though they fight with us.
How we approach and manage behaviours during the day will impact behaviours at night too.
See my full Blog here for more advice : 4 Ways to Support your Child’s Behaviours
Challenge 2:
When the child only wants one parent
I recently wrote about parental preference and the impact it can have on our day to day lives, whether that be confidence as a parent and the relationships with our children going forward. Parental Preference can also have a big impact on bedtime, when the child only wants one parent or caregiver to put them to bed. This can be both emotionally and physically draining on the preferred parent and the rejected parent. If you are currently experiencing challenges with a parental preference at bed time there are some simple steps you can follow to work towards a more equal and stress-free experience for both the child and parent or caregiver.
What to do when a child only wants one parent to do the bedtime routine
Prep: Put in the prep work by increasing the time during the day your child spends with the parent that is currently being left out and build on the times that are currently going well.
1 to 1: Alternatively, if mid-week doesn’t allow due to work commitments, set up exclusive one to one time at the weekend, like going for a walk or making time to play.
Short & Sweet: Give everyone a chance initially, by keeping the first times of parent/child being together short, or by picking a time when your baby/older child is in good form, not hungry or tired.
Handover: Once there are regular one-to-one times between the parent and child during the day, then this sets you all up nicely to hand over part of or all the bedtime routine.
Rehearse: Go through the typical bedtime routine together, what works, what is tricky etc?
Start early: Start bedtime early to avoid it spilling over into it getting too late and the child becoming overtired.
Work together: Avoid cold turkey of the preferred parent disappearing, ideally the two parents can put the baby/child to bed the first few times and the other parent shadows, so they can see exactly how it goes.
Swap roles: When the time feels right, swap roles and let the preferred parent settle other siblings or step back so that the other parent could take the lead. I know this is the typical time when the baby/child will call out for you but really try not to come in and take over.
Trust: Both the child and the parent that has taken over need the support of the preferred parent to leave them to it. Be confident in their ability to cope, trust that the other parent can do it.
Perseverance: I know it’s not going to be as simple as following a 10-step guide, there are always bumps and setbacks, but it is a starting point. It is important to acknowledge that once both of you start to see improvements, you are consistent and persevere there is a great sense of achievement for all.
Challenge 3:
Toddlers & Early Risers
It is safe to say that most families have experienced their child waking before dawn, as one of those parents, I know what it feels like seeing 4am or 5am on the clock, it can be a one off or a relentless experience for all – either way, it’s exhausting.
I also know that it doesn’t last forever, all the same, trying to look at ways for this sleeping habit to subside or simply go away can be mind boggling as there are different factors to consider. It is part of the bigger puzzle; sleep can be complex.
As we enter into our final sleep cycle from 5am, that’s often when children are more likely to shuffle and wake, but sometimes it’s the smallest changes that can make an effective impact. I’d like to share from my own experience as well as what I have shared with clients in means of support that have helped me and them.
Some Factors that can impact toddlers early rising include
Overtiredness
Missing daytime naps if still a part of their daytime sleep routine
When older toddler drops their final nap altogether
Going to bed too late in the evenings
Temperature
Your child may be too hot or too cold
Light v’s Dark
There is light coming through the windows
Consistency & Perseverance
In the form of how we respond when they do wake.
If you are looking for a solution or guidance, check out the below points, if you feel you are not ready for changing things up, this is ok too!
Early Rising - What to avoid?
Offering a spot in your bed to bide more time until you are ready to get up (I know this is tempting but it creates expectation for the child and habit for everyone)
Offer TV, phone, or toys to occupy until it is time to get up.
Offering a bottle to put the child back to sleep again or settle.
Respond the minute they let a shout out, sometimes kids will settle back.
Getting up before 6am and bringing them into the usual bright living space.
Early Rising - What to encourage?
Any time prior to 6am is considered ‘early waking’ – even if you know that they won’t return to sleep – try to encourage your child to stay in their bed until this time.
Keep an eye on bedtime, if they are no longer napping but have had long days in playschool this will mean overtiredness so encourage early to bed, start the routine early, in some cases 6.30-6.45pm.
Black out the windows to avoid any light!
Keep the chats to a minimum if they appear by the bedside or if they call into you.
Be consistent in your message – return your child to their room until the parent says it’s ok to get up. I know this can be the biggest challenge for families, however, this is where setting expectations with your child during the day and at bedtimes will pay off!
Incentivise – this may not be for everyone, but it works for some families, agree with your child that they receive a reward token if they stay in their bed until it’s time to get up. This approach is suitable for 3.5 years upwards.
Check out my Parenting Q & A ‘How to improve your Toddler's Sleep’ with Sleep Expert Erica Hargaden of Babogue Sleep Solutions.
Sometimes no matter what we try and put into practice, children will still wake early, my eldest still wakes early and he’s nearly a teenager! However, I know that his sleep will change as he gets older – but currently, he’s not allowed downstairs until after 7am – house rules!
It’s important to give yourself and the child an opportunity to work with a new approach, expect resistance and push back, if you change things up every few days, this will cause confusion and frustration on everyone’s part. Being consistent for a period of weeks will help.
No matter what age or stage your child is at, they need you as the parent or caregiver to help them change things up and if that means starting from the beginning and establishing boundaries, bedtime routines and reviewing how behaviours are approached during the day versus the night then that is often what you need to do. There is no one answer, you know each of your children best, but they are often stronger and can manage change a lot more than you think!
If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help, I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions and Corporate Parenting Talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie or if you are interested in creating a happier and calmer home I offer a Video Based Positive Parenting eLearning Course.