Positive Parenting Explained

You may have heard all about it, but what exactly is positive parenting? Positive parenting can mean something different for everyone depending on the situation and circumstances at hand. As with everything in life, certain issues or scenarios can be more challenging to deal with than others, and parents and caregivers will often feel as though they need to be one step ahead all the time.

As a parent, you'll know it's not as easy as that.

Positive parenting is essentially developing a relationship with your child where you can create a balance of positive communication, realistic expectations for both the parent and child in the form of family rules, setting plans on how to manage the trickier behaviours while focusing and supporting the positive behaviours, showing consistency and following through.

It sounds so straightforward - but if only it was! 

In this blog, I will take you through how some parents and caregivers really feel about parenting, why making changes push you out of your comfort zone and when you do change up your approach, it’s very natural to expect resistance from the children and the adults too.

When you are seeking a change in how you are managing things as a parent, when you find yourself coming up against a particular situation again and again, whether it is the behaviour of any nature, anger, self-esteem, navigating friendships, managing screen time and devices, sibling rivalry, fussy eating, sleeping, schoolwork etc or maybe a big challenge is when the adults don’t agree.  

• What expectations and family rules do I have in place already?

• Have I set clear expectations for my children?

• What do the patterns of behaviour look like?

• What triggers my child's behaviour?

• What triggers me?

• How do we parent at home?

• Are there challenges in our parenting styles?

• Do I follow through with the rules I've set?

Each of these factors plays an important role in how the daily scenarios play out. When we take a step back to reflect and look at things such as the relationships between the child and the adult, and how we communicate and problem solve, it allows us a wonderful learning opportunity to assess the bigger picture

The family rules, the routines, the consistency, follow through and the adults working together.  While these are ideal, they can be the catalyst to why parenting can be so challenging versus empowering you to keep going!

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1. Choose your time to decide on a plan

2. Creating boundaries for your child

3. Parenting Styles – Good Cop v’s Bad Cop

4. Consistency

5. Follow through

Choose your time without distraction to decide on a plan

I talk a lot about managing your child's behaviour, arguments, tantrums and conflict with the kids when all is calm,  in a number of my recent blogs:

4 Ways to Support your Child’s Behaviours 

How to help children manage the big emotions

How to Support your Child's Anger 

When you know that something needs to change at home with your children, take the opportunity to discuss with the other parent or caregiver how to tackle this. Setting time aside to choose a plan, gives you both the ideal opportunity to create a plan that is realistic and will work more effectively for you all.

Create boundaries for your child's behaviour

If parents or caregivers don't set boundaries, your kids won't have any. It's as simple as that. One thing I encourage families to do as part of my Positive Parenting E-learning course is set expectations for both adults and kids.

For example, expectations can be something as simple as you expect your children to wash their bowls after having cereal in the morning or only being allowed sweet treats at certain times/days/events. Children often don't like certain rules, and they will see how they can push the boundaries - it's natural and all a part of their emotional development but as parents, we need to find ways of being firm without being harsh.

When we set boundaries for our children, we outline what will happen when they don't follow the rules which help to instil in them that rule-following is important. It's important to note that when you tell them the consequences of their actions that you don't want them to feel shocked or threatened. Instead, you should tell them your rules and boundaries in a positive way.

Some parents feel that children love having free reign, however, when behaviour becomes out of control or no rules apply, children can feel quite insecure.  When a child’s experience of parenting is very inconsistent, it can be very confusing, frustrating and in some cases, scary for the child.  That’s why clear messages and consistency all round are key.

Parenting Styles – Good Cop v’s Bad Cop 

You may have all the tools and approaches you need but when the adults find it a challenge to agree or undermine one another – (often unintentionally) this can be extremely difficult and challenging for all involved.  

Good Cop v’s Bad Cop

Among the  Parent Support Community, families reported that this was having a significant impact on dealing with their parenting challenges. When parents change their approach or go back on what they have said this confuses and frustrates our children and may create bad behaviour.

Children are great manipulators, and if one parent is being more firm than the other, the child will see this and start to play the parents off against each other in order to get exactly what they want. While it can be difficult to discipline our children, we have to ensure that as parents we remain consistent in our approach as this will help foster happy children with good behaviour.

COMPROMISING & COMMUNICATION

As parents, we might not always agree with one another and that's natural. While it is normal to disagree on certain things, it can become a challenge and create negativity between parents. If you find yourself with conflicting views, you should sit down and plan accordingly. Compromise and communication are key here for you to make the best decisions for you and your kids, so rather than arguing take the time to really listen to each other.

It will make life a lot easier in the long run.

Once you have reached a compromise or are happy about how you will approach a situation, you should both agree to take the same (or similar) approach. Although it's easier said than done, I encourage you to start with:

• Creating a plan or approach that works for both parents and caregivers that is based on your child's best interests

• Discuss what it is that needs to change

• Work together to follow through on your approach

• Ensure that other caregivers (grandparents etc) follow through on these approaches

Consistency 

Being a parent is hard, there's no denying that! And being consistent as a parent is even harder.

Why is it so hard to be consistent to follow through when we have decided to change things up or instil a new way of approaching things with the kids? Why is it easier to back down but when you do, it doesn’t feel great? These are some of the thoughts and feelings parents have when going through the motions of changing their parenting approach. 

All of these feelings are completely natural and throughout your child's life, things aren't always going to go to plan.

I know how much parents understand the logic and reasoning around being consistent, but it doesn’t make it any easier!  Often the parents experience these inconsistencies because it makes the day-to-day challenges less cumbersome, or maybe the kids start to protest, push the parent to change this new way, and argue that they are not happy – this is all part of children’s resistance to change.  

1. Accept that the children will protest

2. Keep calm and be confident in yourself that you have made the right choice/decision

3. Follow through with consequences

FOLLOWING THROUGH 

If you have decided that using consequences (suitable from 3.5years upwards) to manage the more challenging behaviours is what will work, always remember to keep them:

• Fair

• Immediate

• Easy to implement

For example, time out on the naughty step for 10 minutes could be a consequence if your young child is acting out.

MANY PARENTS WOULD SAY ‘NOTHING WORKS', THIS CAN BE TRUE IF: 

• you use a consequence that the child doesn’t care about

• use empty threats of using consequences and don’t follow through

• use consequences every time your child doesn’t comply or work with you

• if you use consequences that are unrealistic because you think it will have the biggest impact, for example, a gaming device being removed for a week or no TV for a week

• sometimes parents believe the bigger the better and over a longer period of time the better, when really it’s more about being consistent and following through.

To learn more about how you can use consequences effectively, sign up for the Online Positive Parenting eLearning course which will help you to create a calmer and happier home. You will learn how to deal with challenging behaviours and how to support positive behaviours too.

There is no overnight, quick solution when it comes to parenting.  It’s important to give change to an approach a chance, and avoid trying lots of different ways one after the other.  I know parents and caregivers like specific advice about their own scenarios however you need to get the basics right before you get into the specifics as this will allow things to move on more effectively for you and your family.

Sign up to the Positive Parenting eCourse

Benefits of Positive Parenting

Positive parenting can be incredibly effective when implemented, and there are lots of great benefits to incorporating it into your daily lives including:

Closer parent-child relationship

Positive parenting can help to develop a closer parent-child relationship. Because a positive parent uses a variety of techniques to help correct problematic behaviour, it can help to increase trust between children and parents.

The reason for this trust is because children have positive interactions with their parents as a result and this can lead to fewer power struggles and feelings of hostility which can help to foster a stronger bond.

A stronger relationship will make your child feel more secure and comfortable coming to you with problems as they get older.

Improved self-esteem and better mental well-being

When we focus on encouragement and communication instead of punishment and avoiding negative behaviours, this can help your child to have a more positive outlook in life in general. When they experience positive behaviour, they will use mistakes and imperfections as opportunities to grow and improve rather than feeling negative which can cause low mood and self-esteem.

According to Psychology Today, positive parenting can change our children's negative reactions into positive thoughts. For example, instead of focusing on why your child was acting out, you can focus on what you will do differently next time. Or, if your child is fighting bedtime, rather than arguing with them, let them use up all their energy for a little while longer before asking them to get ready for bed.

Although it is easier said than done, these approaches will ensure that you avoid potential clashes with your little ones and will result in a happier parent-child relationship overall.

Improved school performance

There is plenty of evidence to show the benefits that positive parenting has on a child's school performance.

Children who are raised in a calm, positive environment with a clear set of family rules and boundaries are much more likely to thrive in new school environments and perform better both academically and socially with friends.

Sets a good example for children

Children learn their behaviour by watching their parents, siblings and their friends. If we respond by being easily triggered or frustrated regularly, our children can begin to mimic this thus causing a negative cycle of behaviour.

Positive parenting is incredibly effective in setting a good example for children as it encourages them to build healthy relationships built on communication and respect.

How you respond to your child's negative ways will teach them how to react to others, so remember this in mind next time your child may do something you deem to be 'naughty'.

Is positive parenting right for me?

There is plenty of research out there to highlight how great positive parenting is and studies have shown that when you employ positive parenting techniques it can lead to:

• Better social-emotional development in children

• Less disruptive behaviour in children

• Improved ability for children to cope with changing and stressful situations such as starting a new school, new baby or family divorce

• Improved cognitive ability

Remember, as with everything in parenting you should do what feels right for you and your children. It might be the case that you choose to go all in with positive parenting and that's great or perhaps you will adopt a few positive parenting solutions to your approach. Both have been shown to work, so try to work out a balance that works for you.

If you want to learn more about how positive parenting can help you, sign up for the Online Positive Parenting eLearning course which will help you to create a calmer and happier home.