Building happy and healthy relationships in a blended family can present its own set of challenges, especially during the early years. It can take time, sometimes several years, for stepfamilies to find a balance that works for all. The process of forming new relationships, not just between the couple, but also between stepparents and biological/stepchildren, can be demanding and put a strain on everyone involved.  

If the stress of step-parenting sometimes causes you to feel overwhelmed, or if you are worried or concerned about conflicts between your partner and children try not to worry. There are steps you can take to build a healthy blended family.

Allow Time & Patience

Bringing two families together as one is no easy task, but the reward of a happy household is well worth the effort. It’s important to understand that everyone brings their own experiences and memories to the table, and these can greatly influence emotions within the new family unit. 

But don’t get discouraged! Building a successful blended family takes time, patience, and a plan. Whether it’s figuring out how to handle money, creating bonds, discipline, or navigating the responsibilities of co-parenting, these challenges can feel overwhelming at first. But with a positive attitude and plan in place, you’ll find that it’s possible to overcome these hurdles and create a happy home. 

Blending a family is an exciting time, but it can also come with its own set of unique challenges. One of the main challenges is managing expectations – both your own, those of your spouse, and of the children involved.

It’s not uncommon for unspoken or unconscious expectations to cause conflict in a blended family (1). For example, your spouse may expect you to discipline their child at times, but the child may not be ready for that. Meanwhile, you may be expecting to get on with your stepchild and have them love and respect you, but they may be struggling with their own feelings of confusion and insecurity and behave in a way that you don’t expect. 

When unmet expectations go unchecked, they can lead to disappointment, anger, hurt and resentment. To avoid this, it’s essential to take a step back and identify the source of frustration. Ask yourself questions like:

• What expectations do I have and are they realistic or fair?

• Why might the other person be acting this way?

• Is this an expectation you can let go of, or should you discuss as a family?

By approaching the situation with empathy and understanding, you can work towards a resolution that satisfies everyone involved. 

As you navigate the nuances of blending a family, it’s important to remember that you have the power to control one thing – yourself. When you find yourself with expectations for others to act or feel a certain way, it can be frustrating to realise you have no control over them. 

You should also be mindful of the expectations you have of yourself. As parents, we strive to be the best we can be, but it’s important to understand that perfection is an unattainable goal. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or disappointed with your reactions towards your stepchildren, take a moment to reflect on what changes you can make within yourself. 

By working on yourself and your own reactions, you will find that you are better equipped to handle any challenges that come your way. 

Communication is key

In blended families, you have the coming together of two sets of expectations and rules. But without prior discussion about shared values and beliefs regarding limits and discipline, conflicts between parents can arise, which may cause the relationship between children and stepparents to become strained. These differences in parenting styles can have a tangible impact. If you have different standards and expectations for different children, it can get difficult. 

To avoid conflicts, agreeing on a common approach to disciplining your children and creating a plan together is a great way to align. Many families have a system in place where the biological parent takes the lead in disciplining their child with the stepparent’s support. 

This approach can work well if you agree on a fair method of discipline for all children. 

To enhance your chances of bonding with your biological children and new stepchildren, it’s important to consider their individual needs. Age, gender, and personality traits all factor into what they need and understanding this can help to foster a positive relationship with them. 

One great way to bond is by engaging in real-life experiences together. While going out and doing fun activities together is all well and good, it’s not representative of real life and it’s important to get both sets of children to bond in everyday life. 

It’s unrealistic to expect to love your partner’s children straight away – take the time to get to know them and these feelings will develop naturally over time. Plan some time together where you can bond with your stepchild one-on-one but be mindful to let them set the pace. 

Final Thoughts

Starting a blended family can be tough, and you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. If you and your partner are experiencing issues that feel too big to handle, consider speaking to Parents Plus who have parenting courses available for parenting when separated. 

1. Deal, R. L. (2014). The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family(Revised ed.). Bloomington, MN: Bethany House.