Following on from one of my most recent guest expert Q&A blogs, where Dr Colman Noctor spoke about how to support your child’s anger – I wanted to explore it more, through the lens of emotion regulation and how it has such an influence on children and adults alike when it comes to managing these intense feelings and situations.  Anger is one of the many emotions that both children and adults experience, for the child it can be extremely overwhelming and for the parent or caregiver, it is that feeling of not knowing how to manage it.   

I have been following Siobhán Prendiville, who is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, play therapist, clinical supervisor, author, presenter, and trainer, where she works full time at the Children’s Therapy Centre, Ireland’s longest and foremost play therapy training provider.  I admire Siobhán and her work so much that having her feature as one of my guests was an honour.

During the Q&A session we spoke about;  

• What is emotion regulation and how it is connected to our children’s big emotions? 

• Why is it important to learn to regulate their emotions?  

• What activities or techniques that parents can do with their children to encourage self-regulation? 

• Is there anything a parent can do to support a child when they are de-regulating during a tantrum or anger outburst? 

• Siobhán’s recommendations for resources & workshops that may help families with managing their big emotions.

How to manage big emotions

What is emotion regulation?

Emotion regulation is basically our ability to effectively and adaptively manage and respond to an emotional experience. It is a complex thing as it involves an array of different processes. It requires an ability to recognise, control, modulate and regulate our own emotional state.

Is emotion regulation connected to our children’s big emotions?

Yes, absolutely! Children’s ability to control, modulate, and regulate their emotional state is key to them managing and responding adaptively to big emotions, and little ones too!

Is it important for children to learn to regulate their emotions?

Yes, it most certainly is. Emotion regulation is a critical component in overall emotional intelligence – the ability to understand, use, and manage emotions in adaptive ways to communicate effectively, empathise, build strong relationships, relieve stress, and overcome challenges. Emotional Intelligence is now rated just as important, if not more important, than IQ. One key thing to remember is that children cannot simply learn emotion regulation, nor can they be taught through a series of activities. Emotion regulation develops in relationships, children need to experience co-regulation over and repeatedly before they can ever move to self-regulation. Co-regulation occurs when children receive warm, consistent, and responsive interactions that provide them with the support and modelling that they need to understand, express, and modulate their emotions. Co-regulation is the key to moving towards self-regulation.

Are there activities or techniques that parents or caregivers can do with their children to encourage self-regulation?

First and foremost, one of the most important things a parent or carer can do to support and foster emotion regulation is to provide consistent and repetitive co-regulation. If we truly want our children to develop the ability to control, modulate, and regulate their emotional state we need to first do this for them. We need to be their calm; we need to share our calm when they need it. We literally need to lend them our regulated brain. 

We need to contain the big emotions and bring safety. That does not mean we need to try to stop children’s big emotions or block them out, big feelings will continue to come through life, we want to support our children in finding ways to manage and respond adaptively to big feelings. What it does mean is that when the big feelings do come we need to be on hand to provide warm, consistent, and responsive interactions that help to modulate and regulate the child’s emotional response.  

We need to model manage big feelings, holding them, and responding to them with love and compassion. Now, take a breath and be gentle with yourself! This is not always easy and not always possible. We are all human and we all need support with regulation. Give yourself the support you need. You need to have calm to share calm, so please do support yourself and look after your own self-care. This will in turn support your child. 

 My next top tip for supporting and fostering self-regulation is to increase your child’s play diet. One of the 20 identified therapeutic powers of play is in fact “self-regulation”. Play in itself is a powerful tool in supporting the development of self-regulation. The more regularly your child plays the more opportunities he/she has to access this incredible power of play. 

Build in special playtimes where you join your child in play and the potential for this therapeutic power of play to activate will increase too! During special play times allow your child to lead the play, pay full attention to your child and their play, and simply say what you see. Similar to co-regulation repetition is incredibly important here, children need regular, consistent play experiences in order to develop and refine self-regulation.

Final tip for today is “Name it to Tame it” – thank you Dr Dan Siegel for this one. It is so important that we as adults name feelings in the very moment when children are physiologically experiencing them.

Examples could be. 

• “You’re so excited right now your body feels like dancing”

• “You’re really proud of yourself” 

• “You’re angry, you really wanted to win that game. Losing can be hard.” This one is effective when your child is experiencing a big overwhelming feeling, but it is really important to include it during regular daily interactions too. 

• So, if you see your child smiling about something, name it “You’re so happy right now, I see a big smile on your face.” 

• When tablet time comes to an end and your child is frustrated or disappointed name it! No judgement needed, just simply name it. By regularly putting this tool in place we can support children in understanding and identifying their own emotions – a key component in emotion regulation. This tool also helps our emotions to inform us rather than overwhelm us.

Is there anything a parent or caregiver can do to support a child when they are dys-regulating during a tantrum or anger outburst?

The main ones are pretty similar to above! Always remember that co-regulation is key. 

When your child is dysregulated your ability to remain regulated and calm will support your child’s down regulation. 

Remember you are literally sharing your calm. Remember to “Name it to Tame it” too, give simple language to the feelings your child is experiencing in that moment. But please remember that when big feelings are up language is down. When your child is dysregulated the cognitive and language part of your child’s brain is not in the driving seat, so there really is no point in trying to engage your child in too much talking. The lower region of your child’s brain has taken over, so this is the region you must work to soothe and regulate. Sensory input is most effective in regulating the lower region of the brain. So, think about your tone of voice, your facial expression, your proximity to your child and consider offering regulating touch or sensory input. It is important to note here that there is no “one size fits all” here. Each child is unique and will have different sensory preferences and tolerance levels. A bear hug may soothe one child and completely overwhelm another. It is important to be able to attune to your child’s sensory reactivity level and respond appropriately. 

Do you have any other recommended resources or workshops to share that may help families with managing their big emotions?

Course Recommendations 

Live Online Course: The Regulation Tool – Kit, 4 X 1.5hr Live Online Sessions.

Here at the Children’s Therapy Centre, we run a four part live online course designed to support parents and professionals in navigating this tricky world of regulation! Our “Regulation Tool-Kit” course runs over four weekly online sessions and explores creative tools to support and foster co-regulation and self-regulation. Developmentally appropriate, supportive therapeutic tools are presented, practiced and explored. The course focuses on using materials commonly found at home and basic art materials to support regulation and restore calm for the overwhelmed child or adolescent. Key techniques are introduced and demonstrated by the trainer and participants have opportunities to practice using these therapeutic approaches themselves. We explore how anxiety, and other big feelings, impact on the brain and behaviour. The course fee is €150, and you can find full details here.  

Book Recommendations

“The Whole Brain Child” Authors: Dr Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson. 

“No Drama Discipline” Authors: Dr Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson.

These books are practical and packed full of excellent knowledge, tips, and resources. They provide effective and compassionate ideas that are useful for all parents, and professionals working with children too.

Thank you Siobhan for sharing your knowledge, every family has different personalities and temperaments and will deal with emotions, conflict, behaviours in different ways, however what this week’s Q&A has confirmed for me is how much our children rely on the adult, the parent, the caregiver to help and support them when it all unravels for them.  I hope you take one thing away and try it – remember sometimes it’s the little things that can impact the bigger things! 

More info about Siobhán

Siobhán Prendiville is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, play therapist, clinical supervisor, author, presenter, and trainer. Siobhán’s original background is in primary school teaching, she taught at primary level for over ten years. In addition, she has taught widely in a number of institutions in Ireland and has been involved in training teachers in pilot programmes to influence the teaching methodologies utilized. After having spent over ten years in the classroom Siobhán decided to focus on her therapy, parent support, and training work. Siobhán now works full time at the Children’s Therapy Centre, Ireland’s longest and foremost play therapy training provider. Siobhán is MA course leader on CTC’s MA Creative Psychotherapy which incorporates a Postgraduate Diploma in Play Therapy.  In addition to teaching on CTC’s Masters Programme, Siobhán also organises CTC’s wide array of professional development and parent support courses.  You can follow Siobhán on Instagram on @ctc_childrenstherapycentre 

For more information on play therapy, or to find an appropriately trained and accredited play therapist, check out www.iaptp.ie 

If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help, I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions and Corporate Parenting Talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie or if you are interested in creating a happier and calmer home I offer a Video Based Positive Parenting eLearning Course.