When our children express fear through their words or behaviours that they are scared or worried at bedtime or have a fear of night time, whether that be with the idea of being left on their own or as the adult leaves the room, this can tug at the heartstrings for many parents and caregivers.  It’s often at this point that we find ourselves doubting what to do or how to approach the situation.  

How to help a child with night time fears

In this Blog I will share with you 

• Why do children have night-time fears?

• How can I  help my child when they are fearful at night?

• What are nightmares? 

• Top Tips on how you can support your children when they have bad dreams or nightmares

Why do children have night-time fears?

According to Tessa Doab O'Connor, Sleep Consultant of The Sleepy Mammy, “Fear is an emotion, and at night-time when the world is dark and quiet these fears can seem even scarier to our children. Night-time fears could be fear of the dark, monsters or even just fear of not being with you. The list can be endless, and they are relatively common in young children''

Tessa goes on to say that “children particularly have very vivid imaginations. Even though they can differentiate between reality and fantasy, their imaginations may take over and result in some fears peaking at night.”

From the time our children start to use their imagination in play, like mentioned above children often struggle with telling the difference between reality and fantasy, so what might be a dressing gown hanging on the back of the door, in their eyes it may be a monster! This can play on their mind and be a very real scenario for them, so it’s important as the parent to know and understand that this is ‘real life’ for them with feelings and emotions to go with it.

Another reason to consider is that many children experience separation anxiety, we are often more familiar with this during the day when dropping them to creche or school, however this upset of being separated from the parent at night-time has just as much of an impact on the child too.

All children are different and will go through various phases and stages of development, some may be more sensitive and need the extra support whereas others will let it pass in time.  Either way there is a lot we can do to support our children during these times of fear, anxiety and reluctance to separate.

How can I help my child if they have night-time fears?

Acknowledge their feelings of fear

The more we can chat about the fears they have during the daytime hours, particularly for older children, the more helpful it will be for them just knowing that we understand and are prepared to do something about it.  At the same time, it’s also important not to insist on them telling you, as the more natural and at their pace you can make the conversation, the better. Avoid telling them that ‘it’s nothing to worry about’ as for them it’s real! Being afraid at night is a very common situation for children so you are certainly not on your own when trying to figure out how to resolve it.

Avoid fast paced TV or scary cartoons

Sometimes we can underestimate the stories and messages in various cartoons.  While you may be familiar with the pre-school cartoons of Cocomelon and Paw Patrol, once the children start to get a little older and gravitate towards Superheroes, witches and ‘mean’ characters,  these themes can stay with them for bedtime.

Encourage a positive bedtime routine 

I talk a lot about routines, in my blog How to cope with Bedtime Challenges while a bedtime routine may not remove the child’s fears, it without doubt provides the same message every night that things can be consistent, predictable and in your child’s healthy control, all of which children thrive on and love (but will not tell us so!).  The more we can make the nightly rituals, calm, relaxed (within reason) and the same the better.  Avoid late nights as this can promote overtiredness and can then lead to difficulty going to sleep and as a result their fears are fed further. 

Build on their self-esteem 

Focusing on the day time experiences that can help a child build on their confidence and self-esteem, this will naturally help support your child  to feel more secure at night – see my full blog here on ways to help your child build their self-esteem.  It takes time and perseverance but it’s a big part of their self-worth and knowing that they can overcome the harder times.

Encourage one to one time

Giving your children individual time can be tricky during a busy week of family life however including it in the bedtime routine can be a real bonus. I love Tessa’s words of encouragement here “Connection at bedtime is so important. Filling up that little love tank can help your child feel relaxed, reassured and content going to sleep. So, stock up on cuddles and kisses during the bedtime routine”.

Making your child’s room safe

Next it’s looking at ways a parent or caregiver can make their child’s room feel safe.

Tessa explains that “A child’s room should feel like a safe place for them, allowing them to feel relaxed and happy to be there. This may mean that you start to spend some non-sleep time in their room to reinforce a positive relationship with the space. Use this opportunity to connect by spending some one-on-one time together in their room during the day and before bed. 

Another thing that may help is to offer your child some age-appropriate choices with the decor in their room. Helping them feel involved in the process will build a sense of achievement and ownership of their own space. Think of your own bedroom, you sleep better if it is an inviting and calm place to rest. It is no different for kids.”

Stay & Support 

If your child is really struggling when you are about  to leave their room, it’s important to weigh up if this response is a habit because they know you will stay or if it’s very genuine.  It’s also important to maintain boundaries both during the day and at bedtimes, but to make sure that you are being firm but fair, I always suggest to parents to look at what has worked previously.  The big question is to stay or not to stay by their bed until they fall asleep.  There is no one answer, and it will be different for every family.  Gradually moving away from the bed over the course of the week or staying outside their bedroom will help and is the approach I continue to use with my youngest child however, it is not a quick fix and can take time, like many parenting scenarios.

Seek Support 

If you or your child are finding this time of the night a challenge and you are worried about them, don’t hesitate to seek professional help, via your GP or other support services.

Read more on How to improve your Toddler's Sleep

Nightmares or Bad Dreams

Nightmares can start between the ages of 3 and 6 years but sometimes occur for younger children as well.  These are what our children describe as ‘scary dreams’ that can often wake them up - and to them they feel very real.  Depending on their age, a lot of children find it hard to go back to sleep because they can’t tell the difference between reality and the dream.  For some, this can cause upset or anxiousness at bedtime, and your child may refuse to be left alone or to go asleep at all.   The nature of these dreams often reflect their developmental stage, so for a small child it might be about being separated from their parent or caregiver, getting lost or scary monsters; for an older child it may be about something they have seen on TV or conversations they had that day.  

Nightmares usually occur during the second half of the night, and once awake, the child is usually fully aware and is able to share the details of this scary dream with the parent.

How to help your child if they have a nightmare?

Sometimes there is no easy solution to bad dreams, but the more support  you can provide for them during the day and at bedtime the better.

• Encourage a positive, calm and consistent routine at bedtime, avoiding late nights.  Spending that special one-on-one time can alleviate stress and comfort your child. By you just being there; comfort is for most all they want and need, especially when the call comes in the middle of the night.

• Chat about their dreams during the day as often as they occur, and you’ll find that this allows your child to separate the dream from reality.  If they are old enough, chat about what you can do together to help if they are worried about something.

• Validate how they must feel, let your child know that you understand, remember it feels VERY real to them.

• To distract or to encourage ways for your child to move on from the nightmares, purchase or make a dreamcatcher together. This is a Native American tradition and can be put up by their window to ‘catch’ the bad dreams.  Another creative way is to draw a picture or write words about the dreams, place them in a deflated balloon, blow it up and let it fly up to the sky!

• Practice being calm together – the more relaxed, rested and calm your child is the easier it will be for them to fall asleep.  Use breathing techniques and soft music before bedtime; introduce a night light in their bedroom if it’s more reassuring for them.

• As we know children go through many stages and phases in their lives, no matter what they are including nightmares and they grow out of it and move on to the next thing! If you are concerned, speak to your G.P, who will talk you through the best options for your child.

Some books that may help

• What’s Worrying You by Molly Potter

• The Magic Moment by Niall Breslin

• Why do I feel scared by Pat Thomas

The Worry Box by Suzanne Chiew & Sean Julian 

For the older child

• What to do when you worry too much by Dawn Huebner

• What to do when you dread your bed by Dawn Huebner

Allowing ourselves to understand where our children’s feelings, emotions and behaviours come from, can take a time and often an independent person to step in with fresh eyes and ears.  That being said, the calmer, more relaxed and open we can be to supporting and making changes the more likely we will see a shift.  If it’s something you have all been dealing with for a long period of time, give yourself the opportunity to consider what might help and make a plan together as a family.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges with your children, I am here to help. I offer tailored 1 to 1 parent support sessions or corporate parenting talks. Get in touch with me today at aoife@parentsupport.ie, I offer eLearning Parenting Courses on Positive Parenting and Managing Screen Time & Device Use which will help support you in the challenges you may be facing.